"You Never Know"

After a difficult morning where all I wanted to do was lock myself in the bathroom and be by myself for a few hours, I stumbled across this Mormon Channel video. It CHANGED. MY. DAY.

I've been feeling like a failure in some areas of my life, feeling down and stressed about how my house is always so messy and cluttered, how sometimes I become impatient with my kids when I shouldn't, how I don't get to take a shower some days until 10:00 pm, how I wish I spent more time teaching my preschooler important things like letters and numbers when instead she watches cartoons, how I wish I had more time to develop my own talents and interests, then feeling guilty about wanting to spend more time on me instead of my family, the list goes on and on and on.

By about minute 6 in the video, I guarantee you will be sobbing like I was if you are anything like I am. It helped me realize that while some days I don't feel like I accomplished anything, most days I do, at least in the eyes of those around me, especially my children. I always wake up with good intentions to clean an area of the house, to get an important errand done, to do an act of service for someone in need, to call a friend I haven't spoken with in months, but those plans seem to always get pushed further and further down my "to-do" list.

I end up cleaning up cookie crumb messes all over the floor and googling "how to clean permanent marker from wood table top" while trying to remain calm. My mountain of unfolded laundry (with more waiting for me in the dryer) has been sitting for days in the same spot. My bed is un-made and clothes are thrown all over my floor with miscellaneous toys, ripped up pieces of Kleenex, hair clips, and a number of other random things brought in my girls, mixed in.

So after watching this video, I thought about what things I've "accomplished" so far in my seemingly difficult day. I've comforted my 2 girls in at least half a dozen crying instances so far, bent over and cleaned up at least 2 bins of toys (which are now scattered all over again), made breakfast for my children, sang a song with them, and helped my daughter put on a princess dress so she could play in it.

I helped my daughter ride the new (to us) bike she received yesterday for her birthday. Her very first bike with training wheels. She eagerly put on her helmet and semi-patiently waited for me to get dressed (something I told her was required before I could step outside as my neighbors don't want to see me in my bath robe). Then with baby in-tow on my hip, I helped her push the pedals forward and steer the bike. She got frustrated. I got frustrated. My baby got frustrated. But we did it. By the end my daughter was riding pretty well on her own. She felt proud of herself.

That was a moment worth "checking off" my list. It wasn't on my to-do list for today, but has so far become one of the highlights. Teaching my daughter how to ride a bike. Wow. What else could possibly be more important than that? Putting away clean dishes? Folding towels? Scrubbing permanent marker off my table top? Those things can wait. Being with my girls can't.

As I was writing this, I poked my head in to see what my girls were up to. I snapped this picture. They were quietly coloring and getting along (for approximately 4.5 minutes). There was peace and harmony in our house. It didn't last long, but it was there for a moment.

As women, moms, grandpas, parents, aunts, grandmas, sisters, fathers, uncles, brothers, sons, we need to stop putting so many unnecessary things at the top of our priority list. We need to stop thinking that our homes have to look spotless in order to feel like we have worth. We need to stop thinking that we need to have such-and-such to feel included. Let's STOP making so many to-do lists and START making memories. Let's stop being planners and start being doers.

Because I am a Mother

I have always thought that I would make a good mother. 

I don’t mean to boast or say that I am a better mother than others, but I have always thought that I would make a good mother. I’ve always felt like it was my calling in life to have children and to raise them. I’ve always felt like I was well prepared to be a mother since I babysat and nannied so much in my youth and have had such an intense love for my nieces and nephews and have enjoyed spending so much time with them. 

I have always been a patient and kind person, and have interacted with children very well. And I have always gravitated towards children and wanted to spend time with them almost more so than with adults at gatherings.

           

I love being a mother. 

I cannot describe the feelings of joy motherhood has brought into my life. I still love my nieces and nephews so so much and love spending time with them but now I get it. Before I became a mother, I used to tend my nieces and nephew and think about how much I loved them; how I would do anything for them; how I would sacrifice everything I had to make a better life for them. 

Then I would think about the mothers of those kids, and think if I loved these kids so intensely as their aunt, how much more intense a mother’s love would be and having a hard time comprehending that kind of love. 

Now I understand that love. 

The love a mother has for her child. The kind of love that fills your heart to its capacity so that your heart feels like it will burst because it cannot contain the amount of love you have for the little being that you hold in your arms.

 The heartache you feel as you realize the trials this child will have to go through throughout their life and how as much as you want to protect her from the world, she will need to experience these trials in order to grow and remain strong in today’s troubled society.

The kind of love that makes time stand still, that makes you soak in each small moment, because those small moments make up your world. 

The first time she smiles, coos, laughs, looks straight into your eyes, holds your finger with her tiny hand, yawns, and stops crying when you pick her up and rock her. 

Those moments pass all too quickly, but you realize that there is still so much more to come. 

Soon she will be crawling, walking, talking, running, reading, writing, scraping knees, running through sprinklers, riding bikes, playing hide-and-seek, playing dress-up, playing dolls, doing homework. And then one day far in the future she will be getting married to the love of her life, and then having her own children. 

And the circle will continue. She will finally understand the love I have for her as her mother, because she will have that same love for her children.

As I wipe away the tears from my eyes, I hear my baby babbling away in her crib as she wakes up from her nap. Suddenly I am back in reality, my own little world where I change diapers, play on the floor, and nurse my baby all day long. 

And I love it. 

Because I am a mother.